Able to see my subconcious processes

But that does not mean i have the access to change all of them

I am aware but all i can do is sit and watch

Like its kinda the definition of a subconcious process

Of a instinct

It can just kill ego,meaning me and it controls all bodily functions

Like usually you get a rationalisation

It was the circumstances or something

So you stay calm

It says fight or flight and thats my fate

Like you can win this in general

But if its in pain,it will just put you in a fever and bruteforce its ways ,like ego has temporal limitations,but the unconcious has no hurry

It can wait 5 years and slowly adjust things so you eat it

https://youtu.be/0QXpE6u8xdA

https://youtu.be/JtULNuoS3jg

https://lyricstranslate.com/en/gelernt-learned.html

https://youtu.be/6Chp12sEnWk

This girl is such a light of hope

I will hug her so hard she will need to change her panties and i wont be able to grab anythng for a week

Like if thing turn down i will need to stop postig and burn down everything or i will hate myself if i ever see her again

Thing is i know how unconcious processes work

The ptsd will 100% win if i have to take that one path

Its not a question,i can conciously struggle as much as i want

But the deeper process will always win

Its not a question if ,its just a question of time

I will be so happy after this is resolved after the opperation even if i am scared of it

These hormones

https://youtu.be/zXmZnU2GdVk

https://youtu.be/lMXrkYdPP5k

Like i will work a job and slay

But i will bellum romanum it

Bc i am in fear and pain

And its a necessary step to progress i dnt enjoy

I am avoiding getting a job

Bc it will 100% lead to me salting the soil on which the fruits of culture grow on

Bc of ptsd

I mean karma is a boomerang

If i were to

Chill with a girl

I need to know my scedual

Currently i have like time once a month or something

Like almost every weekend is something

Like i have someone i asked to chill with ,but i just did not find the time yet

Like the pol will solve that

If 1 main activity falls away, i can put socials in there

Btw i talked wih mine about what they can actually do

Bc there were stuck mentally

But they got out of it

Like they did not assume that they have a license soon to drive a car etc

Like they assumed they had to carry me

Like nah, they plan for them

I am fine

I just need to decide what i actually want to do

And then i live doing that

Like ill find a job if neccecary

But i will not start a carreer

I know i can make money without monthly limit

Like its a option for survival, but certainly not a permanent option

Like i would prefer the other thing, bc i will end up in a simular situation

But if i go the route over a job i will be so annoyed by working that i probably wont end with trying to help ppl

Ill just map the psychological points of acess of some group and crowbar my way in

Bc i am annoyed by working ,so if thats whats in my way to get out of it

Id prefer the other thing~

Like i have major ptsd on school and job

I can do it but i wont like beeing there in any way

Like the advice of ,just get a job, works

But whoever suggests that to me will pay with their childrens future for having to be there

I like the other more

However, like so they dont need to plan for that,like thats my internals of solving that

One of those it will be

And money will come

Ah man

I have such good friends

I will hate dissapointing them like that

Like i will just put the code up and light the entire blog on fire in case i go that route

So like they cant acctually see whats going on~

I need to take my hormones~

Also eepy all the time again

Just no energy for anything

To find someting to fill this downtime

But also after the opperation its gone

Coconut oil on my hair

My skin looks much cleaner

Like i am on hormones i am basically having a puberty, keeping skin clean is a struggle no matter

Later or tomorrow i was my hair out with tea to remove the oils n such

I started the pc to so somethng

But didnt do anything

Today i cant even get myself to start it~

Even with a energy

The reccomended practice and am taking a selfcare day

https://youtube.com/watch?v=0Ua8HrgZsAg&si=HWRgE2_hMrfdo0dI

I am still looking for this album

Listen to Teufelskreise raw by Freddy Fukks on #SoundCloud https://on.soundcloud.com/jKZsV